A couple years later I "graduated" into motherhood. That was one of the most rewarding times of my life, and also the beginning of the downfall of my weight struggle. I was pregnant four times and I was blessed with two living children, BOYS, I had a miscarriage at 4 1/2 months and a stillborn daughter, whom I buried in 1987. I gained most of my weight after that. Sadness is a hard thing to overcome.
I still can't explain how it got so out of control, my eating that is, but I found myself at 523+ pounds and stayed there, with a yoyo syndrome of lose 100 gain 120, lose 75 gain 100, etc. over the next 20 years. I had "graduated" into a morbidly obese woman, who was facing death. Literally. Doctors gave me 2 years max to live.
Around this same time I also "graduated" into becoming a NANA. This was one of the most amazing times in my life. I LOVE my grandson more than anything. I did NOT want to die and not see him grow up.
It was time to "graduate" into a healthy person again. I started to find creative ways to exercise, I ate good, I followed the WW plan & I lost 125 pounds. It took me 3 1/2 years to do it. But it wasn't enough. At the rate I was losing the Dr said I would still die before I got healthy. I was still on oxygen, still could barely walk or drive a car and still on many medications. I had to do more. I wanted to do more. So I went to the Bariatric DR and signed up for weight loss surgery.
In 2008, on my 46th birthday, I "graduated" into a WLS patient. My stomach is now the size of an egg. I physically cannot eat the amounts of food I was accustomed to anymore. The weight began to fall off for 18 months, I lost 200 pounds during that honeymoon period. I felt worthy again. I believed I could DO this finally.
BUT life is never perfect even for a hard core perfectionist like me. Next, I "graduated" into that dreaded period of re-gain... yep it happens... after 18 months, even though I have had surgery, I am just like everyone else, I have to watch what I eat and exercise if I want to lose or maintain. Those one taste of a chip lead to a snack bag of chips, that led to a can of pringles over the course of a day (still can't eat in one sitting). I watched new WLS friends coming into the program weighing what I weighed now, and then getting down to a size 4, and I started feeling like I was a failure. I went from 523 to 179 to 220. From a size 6X dress, that was still tight, to a size 12... now more like a 16 or an 18. Jealousy can lead a person to not think good things about themselves. I was so happy for my friends but their success was only highlighting my failures in my eyes.
"Graduation" day again, this time to a pity party, a long pity party. Why bother? I may be 1/2 the person I used to be but I am still fat. I can walk again, I can drive, I can exercise, I can ride roller coasters.
I don't need seat belt extensions on a plane but I am still fat. Everyone looks better than me. I don't like these parties. I am thankful I have friends that care enough to remind me of the things I CAN do now and how proud and inspired my journey has been. They reminded me I CAN DO ANYTHING. Anything? Even going back to school? YES especially that.
So in 2010 I enrolled in college. I want to be a licensed clinical social worker, I want to counsel and help weight loss patients, people who need to lose, are losing, or have lost weight, especially 100 pounds or more. I've been through the good times, and the bad times and fallen but I've gotten back up. I guess I have overcome. I want to help them too. Losing weight is the hardest thing anyone will ever do and with or without WLS it's always up to the individual. Yesterday, I "GRADUATED" from college with my associates degree, and a 4.0 GPA. Me... the failure. I can no longer call myself that failure word with a straight face.
I still plan on losing more weight. I still plan on using my "tool" to control and manage the foods I CHOOSE to put in my mouth, I still plan on exercising my body in the gym and my mind with positive and encouraging thoughts. And you know what, if my weight stayed right where it is now, I am still a success. I am NOT DEAD, and I have no plans on dieing anytime soon.
I have "graduated" into an empowered, determined, & confident woman, & I want everyone to know that they TOO can be that person.
So there you go... This is where my mind is today...
11 comments:
I'm SO proud of you Kathy!! You have EVERY right to shout from the roof-tops your accomplishments!!! Congratulations on graduating and can't wait to hear about your upcoming adventures!!!
Congrats!!! May God bless you! You have been a great inspiration to a lot of people including me. May you graduate with 'honors' in your next venture!
Nancy from Australia
Your journey has been hard, I can tell from reading this post, but you have SURVIVED!
Congratulations on your most recent graduation. That is quite an accomplishment.
I wish you many more graduations!
Congratulations Kathy. It is the journey that makes you who you are. Take care - and enjoy the journey.
Your old friend, Jill
Dear Kathy, I just now read your story, and I, too, am so proud of you. I have used your patterns, and they are the best I have ever followed. What a wonderful, giving lady you are. I pray God will help you do the things you want to do, because you give so much to so many. Thank you, and God bless you. Jin Jin
You have done a great thing for your self. I need to find my tool to loose my weight. You are inspiring me to do something!
yOU ARE SO TALENTED. YOU ASKED IF THERE WERE ANYTHING WE WOULD LIKE. I WANT TO MAKE SOME PICTURE BABY CLOTHS AND HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIND THEM. i HOPE YOU HAVE SOME.
THANKS,
JEAN
nanajean1936@gmail.com
You are amazing and beautiful and I congratulate you on a hard-won success and for finishing so well. I know I've been gone for three years due to a surgery that went terribly awry, and I see you've been gone for over a year as well, but if you ever pop back in to blog here again, I want you to know I saw and I rejoiced with you. God Bless You, Kathy. :)
I first met you through your dishcloth patterns. Being Jewish, it is hard to find holiday patterns for people of my faith. Then I found your Star of David pattern and I was so excited I made dishcloths for my best friends and my two daughters. A few months later I found your blog. Your story is amazing and you should be very proud of yourself. And you look lovely in your cap and gown. You are so generous to share your patterns. I'm about to start From My Heart to Yours. I'll be following you. Best wishes.
And here is three years later and you have a MASTERS DEGREE! Gotta tell ya woman that I love ya and your are an inspiration to me!
I found you because of your wonderful dishcloth patterns. Like most of us, you have had struggles in life and you are an overcomer. You are doing exactly what I think we are supposed to do - use our experiences to help others. You are awesome. Good luck with your continued journey with weight. I have an issue with weight. I can get chunky. Then when I get depressed, I don't want to eat. I'll go three days without eating anything. My doctor knows this and as long as my weight doesn't drop too low and I stay hydrated, he stays off my case. Actually, I don't lose much weight any more because my body seems to realize that it doesn't know when it's going to get food again and goes into some mode of protection. It's a battle. My first husband certainly let me know that he wanted me to be thin and I thought I was large and I was actually very, very small at the time. After, my second husband died, I lost 50 pounds because I wasn't eating at all from the depression. So, I can relate - we all deal with our issues in different ways. There are times I do go to eating, obviously. Good luck and yes, thanks, for the knitting patterns, too. God Bless You!
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